I guess...

There was nothing to fear. I went in expecting to get 1 tooth pulled, and he yanked as many as he could get his grubby little hands on. But the positive thing here is, I still have all the feeling in my mouth - yay.

Actually the upper wisdoms were not bad at all - he literally grabbed and yanked and done. The bottoms though... fuck. Here's the thing, I'm not into drugs. I went in and had it all in my head to tell them to gas me and put me under and knock me in the head with a club if they had to. I thought, "you don't want to be awake for this." But I was.

The bottom right was pretty ridiculous. It was partially erupted and coming in sideways so, unlike the tops - it wasn't a straight pull. He had to drill it, break it, and pull it out one shard at a time. Did I mention that I was awake and had nothing but some novocaine to numb the area? Yeah. I had my wisdoms done under a local anesthetic only. I am an idiot.

The last 2 days have been pretty painful, swollen, and gross. I've slept a lot because of the painkillers I'm on. I'm about to go back to sleep now. The worst is over though. I think. It's day 3 - the worst better be over.

Fear

Tomorrow I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I'm deathly afraid of this. Why? Not because I fear pain, but because I was told that the roots are hitting the nerve and there is a possibility that I'll lose feeling in my mouth. How much would that suck? Think about how many times feeling in your mouth has saved you. I have food allergies and sometimes that initial touch of something to my lips will trigger a tingling that warns me not to actually eat whatever it is.

Tonight alone I was reminded of how much feeling in one's mouth is important. I had these beans that were volcanically hot. Burned the hell out of my mouth. Now, with no feeling in my mouth, I'd just keep eating them. I'd burn my esophagus. Ouch.

Beyond all this, there are clearly other reasons why feeling in one's mouth is a good thing. Kisses. My favorite thing in the world... to not be able to feel a kiss. What kind of life is that?

Pray for me, whoever might read this.

Tomorrow we'll find out what happens.

Conversations with REAL people.

You ever have a conversation with someone and you share intimate details of your life with, and you know this is a friend for life. This is someone that, while you won't necessarily break bread with or whatever, they are yours, not in the possessive sense, but in some weird spiritual sense. They have admitted that they think more of you than you'd assume they would.

Sure, you are interesting, and people who don't know anything about you gravitate toward you like some sort of magnet. But, as one of these "Magnets" there are few people whom you feel you have a connection to. You, whoever you are, know yourself. You know that the people you are attracted to are usually real people who make your mind awaken. You know you, and you know the people who you are drawn towards.

Sometimes, conversations are just conversations. But sometimes, for whatever reason, conversations are some sort of intercourse with someone else's soul. Sometimes, a conversation is a spiritual journey that you and whomever you are speaking to take together. Sometimes, magic happens. Be aware of it, it's awesome.

Tonight, for some reason, I had one. I had a conversation that started as benign and ended up being amazing. You are now a thought this person might have - not necessarily tomorrow or even tonight... but at some point this person will remember something said and either smile, or be pensive. You have awakened something inside them, and them inside you and you won't forget it as long as you live. Cherish this moment. Please. Remember that ever conversation you have with someone, when you reveal your inner you, is a moment that they will cherish. It might not be outwardly at all, but in their mind they will have learned about themselves from something you said.

I had one of those tonight. I hope you have one too.

more Stalkers.

What in the world is it about people like me? Look, I get it. I'm interesting. I have tattoos, and piercings (though not many of those). I have Emmy awards, and can make a model of an atom out of 62 folded sheets of paper, I can knit and sew, I can sing, and dance, and paint, and I'm effing awesome. Sure, I'm funny, and smart, and people like me. If you haven't noticed I'm also full of myself. Now take all the amazing that is me and realize this.

I don't like you.

Well, let me rephrase. I love people but at the same time I don't really like people... note though, when I say people I don't mean humanity - humanity I love. I don't mean my friends, if I put you in that circle of people I actually call friends, then I probably love you. But, here's the trick to knowing whether I call you a friend or not... and whether I call you one or whether you assume you are one are completely different animals. If I call you a friend, you'll hear me call your name more than once. I probably have a nickname or multiple nicknames for you. If I love you, I'll act like a complete ass in front of you and probably apologize for it at some point. If you have ever heard the following phrases come out of my mouth, you fall into that category:

"I love you."
"I'm so sorry."
"What do I do to make people want to stalk me?"

Also, if I have done any of the following things, you also fall into that category:

Given you a gift on NO occasion.
Spoken to you frankly about something going on in your life or mine - something you probably wouldn't talk about with someone on the street.
Said something to you and then later clarified, not because it was in my best interest to do so, but because I didn't want you to worry.
Made something for you.

Now, these aren't hard and fast rules. And who am I to say that you, if you fall into one of the aforementioned categories of things I've said or done, consider me YOUR friend. But here's the question:

"WHY DO PEOPLE STALK ME?"

Why does some woman I've met once follow me to multiple places on any given Tuesday?
Why does some random co-worker (and this has happened more than once) think I'm ever going to date them, or do ANYTHING with them - ever?
Why do random people follow me around like I'm their alpha?
And why, why for all that's holy, do people think that I'm into them?

Here's a secret. For me to be into you, you have to be special. For me to be into you you have to have a personality that isn't needy, socially awkward, or grating. You can be okay with hunting, but not necessarily a gun owner. You can't just show up at my house for a party, stay late, and take off all your clothes. You can't just assume that I'm single and think you're going to go home with me at the end of any given night - because truth be told, even if I DID like you, that's not my M.O.. No amount of liquor is going to change that. You HAVE to have tattoos, more than one. You have to like a book or movie I like, and without knowing that I like that book or movie in advance. We have to have a shared sense of humor. And most importantly - you can't assume that I like you because as I said at the beginning of this post, I probably don't.

I'm done with it. I'm done with being stalked, groped, and petted. I'm done with people assuming that because I'm single, I'm theirs to have and to hold. I'm done with socially awkward freaks attaching themselves to me. I'm done with people thinking that I'm their shade tree when the sun is too bright. I'm done with people thinking that I'm their umbrella when it is raining. If you fall into the category of people who I deem important enough for me to be either of those things to, you don't have to seek it out or make it happen, I'll be there for you with no question or hesitation. But if you're stalking me, step back. Please.